New lenses for old (part two)

Continuing with the theme of dealing with people we perceive as "difficult" in some way, this blog considers the second lens though which to usefully view another- the "reverse lens"

So if the lens of "realistic optimism" involves telling ourselves a more empowering "story" about the facts the second, what Tony Schwartz calls "the reverse lens"involves us seeing the situation through the lens of another person.  What is it like for us to literally see someone else's perspective?  Of course we never really understand what the world is actually like for another person, but I wonder how often we stop to even consider it?  What would it be like if we made the working assumption that people are doing the best they can with the resources available to them?

Really you ask?  but what about the inconsiderate people? the irritating people? the just plain mean people?  How can they be doing their best with the resources available to them?

What do I mean by resources?  Our life experiences, our choices, our family and friends all affect how resourced we feel.  For example, take the person who at the age of four was evacuated from London during the second world war.  Imagine what it would be like to leave your family and all your "secure bases" and to find yourself transported to a strange place  and billeted with people you have never met.  Imagine still further not seeing your own family for many years and imagine the sense of rejection and personal unhappiness that may ensue from living with a family that perhaps had little consideration for your needs.  How emotionally resourced would you be?  What beliefs might you form at a young age about people and about life?  How might these beliefs direct your personal choices?  Would it be surprising if you  as an adult found making emotional connections difficult?  Would this person do the very best they could with the resources available to them?  And would their lack of emotional resources make their very best seem somewhat inadequate?

It took many years for me to realise that my father (who was that four year old) was doing his best to connect with his family and even though for many years this fell short of my own expectations, when I realised through the "reverse lens"that this was what his resources enabled him to do, it was much easier to feel genuine empathy.

So how can the "reverse lens" be useful in the exercise of leadership?  Perhaps if our focus was more on how we could add to the personal resources of another rather than bemoan their lack we would in a practical way be able to extend undeserved favour or grace.  This doesn't mean that  we leave unacceptable behaviour unchallenged, but it does mean that when we use this lens we experience less personal irritation, less angst and considerably less stress!