New Lenses for Old (part Three) The Long Lens

When people annoy, irritate or annoy us we have a range of choices to make. So far we've explored two of them- the lens of realistic optimism becoming aware of the story we are telling ourselves about the facts and choosing to select an empowering story based on positive intent.  The reverse lens: using the working assumption that people are doing the best they can with the resources available to them to experience genuine empathy.  This blog focuses on the long lens- the ability to see beyond the present, whilst remaining open to the learning that current circumstances reveal.

What does it mean to see beyond the present?  How often have you looked back on a disagreement or a difficult relationship and thought that although it seemed so all consuming at the time, as you look back, with hindsight, it really doesn't seem to be that important after all.

Ah, I hear you say, but that is the beauty of hindsight!  But what if we could experience this beauty in the present when we really need it?  Perhaps by asking ourselves a simple question and exercising the power of our own imagination, this is really possible.

How? you ask.  Next time someone irritates you, try using the long lens to gain a sense of perspective and ask yourself, "How important will this be to me in a week/month/year's time?  I am constantly amazed by the shift produced in me when I ask myself this question and I realise afresh that I am responsible for my choices and that no-one can make me feel irritated or disappointed without my consent.

New lenses for old (part two)

Continuing with the theme of dealing with people we perceive as "difficult" in some way, this blog considers the second lens though which to usefully view another- the "reverse lens"

So if the lens of "realistic optimism" involves telling ourselves a more empowering "story" about the facts the second, what Tony Schwartz calls "the reverse lens"involves us seeing the situation through the lens of another person.  What is it like for us to literally see someone else's perspective?  Of course we never really understand what the world is actually like for another person, but I wonder how often we stop to even consider it?  What would it be like if we made the working assumption that people are doing the best they can with the resources available to them?

Really you ask?  but what about the inconsiderate people? the irritating people? the just plain mean people?  How can they be doing their best with the resources available to them?

What do I mean by resources?  Our life experiences, our choices, our family and friends all affect how resourced we feel.  For example, take the person who at the age of four was evacuated from London during the second world war.  Imagine what it would be like to leave your family and all your "secure bases" and to find yourself transported to a strange place  and billeted with people you have never met.  Imagine still further not seeing your own family for many years and imagine the sense of rejection and personal unhappiness that may ensue from living with a family that perhaps had little consideration for your needs.  How emotionally resourced would you be?  What beliefs might you form at a young age about people and about life?  How might these beliefs direct your personal choices?  Would it be surprising if you  as an adult found making emotional connections difficult?  Would this person do the very best they could with the resources available to them?  And would their lack of emotional resources make their very best seem somewhat inadequate?

It took many years for me to realise that my father (who was that four year old) was doing his best to connect with his family and even though for many years this fell short of my own expectations, when I realised through the "reverse lens"that this was what his resources enabled him to do, it was much easier to feel genuine empathy.

So how can the "reverse lens" be useful in the exercise of leadership?  Perhaps if our focus was more on how we could add to the personal resources of another rather than bemoan their lack we would in a practical way be able to extend undeserved favour or grace.  This doesn't mean that  we leave unacceptable behaviour unchallenged, but it does mean that when we use this lens we experience less personal irritation, less angst and considerably less stress!

New lenses for old!

I was inspired by an article in the Harvard business review this week to consider the lenses through which we view our world.  Ask any visually impaired person (like myself) and they will tell you that having the right lens is crucial to prevent eye strain.  But, so often, we experience a different kind of eye strain based on our inappropriate lens wearing.

What exactly do I mean?

Consider the person at work that you find to be particularly irritating- perhaps they take credit for your ideas, or seem to you to lack social awareness, or are just plain "difficult" to work with.  Given that the task of changing the behaviour of others can be rather fraught, the easier option is to work on ourselves and the simplest thing that we can do within our influence is to change our lenses.

Which lenses are most useful?

Tony Schwartz president and CEO of the energy company suggests three, and this blog will focus on lens number one:

1. The lens of realistic optimism

This is not adopting some kind of Pollyanna approach to life, but rather separating the facts (what actually happened) from the interpretation of the facts (what is the story I am telling myself about the facts?)  So, a colleague doesn't speak to you in the staff room/canteen/board room when you attempt to engage them in morning pleasantries.  The fact is they have not responded to your invitation to enter into conversation.  The story you tell yourself about their lack of response could be "they hate me" "they think I am not worth speaking to" "I have obviously offended them" "they are so rude" any of these stories will probably trigger a whole host of other thoughts (related to past stories when we have thought similarly) and we will then probably start to experience a whole host of feelings which leave us feeling more or less un-resourced.

So what other lens might be more useful in this situation?

The lens of realistic optimism ( a term coined by Sandra Schneider) means telling yourself the most hopeful and empowering story about a situation without subverting the facts.  So a colleague has not responded to your invitation to enter into a conversation.  A more hopeful story could be "they are pre-occupied" "they didn't hear me" "they don't have time to talk right now" "they didn't realise my comment was aimed at them".  These stories will similarly remind you of other stories when you have experienced similar thoughts and will replicate the feelings you experienced then exactly.  Instead of the paranoia, frustration and anger that the first lens produced, this lens may well invoke understanding, empathy, even humour!

What situations will you be in this week when the lens of realistic optimism would be useful to you? I would be interested in your stories and if you choose not to share them, I will tell myself a story: it will be "fascinating though your blogs may be, I really don't have time to give this right now" and I will understand completely!

The value of social intelligence

"I just need to be more strategic"  "I need to be a better problem solver"  "I need to network more effectively"  "I need to be better at managing my time" these are the comments that I often hear made when I ask the question "how can you increase the effectiveness of your leadership?".  What I rarely hear people say is: "I need to understand my staff better"  "I need to listen at a deeper level"  "I need to offer more effective work based recognition and appreciation of my staff" and yet research suggests that people don't leave organisations they leave managers, and that feeling unappreciated and unvalued is a key reason for staff dissatisfaction and one of the core components of poor performance.  Many people feel their development reviews are formulaic and lacking awareness of their real needs and feelings.

Could it be that the soft stuff is actually the hard stuff after all?

Daniel Goleman certainly thinks that the concept of social or emotional intelligence is actually the difference that makes the difference when it comes to really effective leadership.  At a deeply intuitive level we probably all recognise that this is true.  On the planet Avatar from the film of the same name, the standard greeting of the indigenous population was "I see you".  At a fundamental level, this is a need we all have.

What does it mean to truly see another?

It means having the self awareness to know when we are in our own way, and the presence of mind to know what to do about it.  It means cultivating the art of being fully present so that the other feels heard. It means having the ability to empathise with the thoughts, feelings and emotions of another without needing to agree or acquiesce.  It means understanding our own "anchors" and "triggers" that transport us unconsciously to un-resourceful states that interfere with our relationships with others.  It means having an awareness of what we don't naturally see- our "blind spots"and having the humility to ask those we trust to honestly tell us what we are not seeing ourselves.  It means understanding how under pressure we can overplay those very strengths which are the hallmark of our leadership and how we can run familiar strategies that get us outcomes that we don't actually want or need.

Because to have the strategies, networks, best time management techniques, and most prolific networks and yet not to "see" people, is to fail to appreciate the value and power of social intelligence and may bring success for a season, but will not enable us to lead in a way that can be genuinely transformative.

Golden Circles

I was recommended to listen to the Ted talk that can be found on http://www.ted.com/talks/simon_sinek_how_great_leaders_inspire_action.html  which introduces the simple but powerful idea of "the Golden circles"- the inner circle represents why we do what we do, the next circle how we do what we do and the outer circle what we do.  The speaker is eloquently making the point that inspirational leaders inspire others to action because they deeply connect with the "why" of what they do and instances Apple as a successful company that does just that.

So why do I do what I do? because I believe that we can all exercise leadership firstly of ourselves and then others and we do this by cultivating our own awareness of who we are (our personality), what is important to us (our beliefs and values) and our unique talents (which I think of as "gifts") and strengths.  This belief underpins my approach to leadership development and why I believe that starting with self is so important in developing leadership of others.

This also informs the "How" of what I do- my use of personality psychometrics to further explore a persons style preferences, values indicators to facilitate exploration of what matters to people and strength finder resources (such as "Realise 2") to enable people to connect with not just the things they are good at, but also the things that energise them.

Both of these circles inform the "what" of what I do- providing a leadership development service to managers (primarily in the public sector) and a creative WILD (women in leadership development) programme for emerging leaders.

So, why do you do what you do?

Reflections on Mindfulness

After an interesting day organised by Coaching Connect I am reflecting on what it means to be mindful both personally and in my role as a leadership coach.  The short exercise we all participated in involved being quiet for just five minutes with our eyes open with the simple instruction to just notice and be aware of our experience.  It was strangely re-assuring to be told that it was not about getting it right or wrong it was well just what it was!

So what was it you ask?

Just taking the time to notice incidental and everyday noises, pictures, happenings, surroundings and thoughts without feeling the need to pursue any particular thought or come to any particular conclusion.  It was in fact re-learning the art of doing nothing and realising how peaceful that can be and how liberating!

What difference does this make to me as a coach?

One of the great challenges for any coach is the ability to get out of your own way in order to be fully present for your client.  What does this mean?  To be fully present requires an ability to let go of your own theories, pre-occupations, opinions, beliefs and judgements so that you can give unhindered exquisite attention to your client.  For me the practice of "mindfully doing nothing" allows me to stop and become an observer of my own experience so that I can notice and acknowledge and then gently lay aside in order to more fully engage with the experiences of another.

I'm really interested to hear how other coaches "get out of their own way" in order to be fully present for their clients- as for me, I think that "mindfully doing nothing" could really catch on!